That’s so unfair!

I’m so sorry. I haven’t been writing for, what is it, three, four weeks? I veel bad about it, because I not only give you something to read every sunday, I also give myself the chance to let go. It was supposed to be a one time thing, that first time. But I had some good reasons why not to write though. especially for that first sunday. First, my laptop broke down, and it’s still broken. I’m sitting behind our computer and given the fact that it’s not only mine I can’t just sit behind it for hours on sunday. secondly there was the European championship soccer going on. The Dutch team had to play their most important game and I really wanted to see that. They lost obviously, but still I wanted to see it. And for another, I was in the middle of my last test week ever. I had still some tests going on for which I had to study…

As for the second sunday I wasn’t here. My laptop didn’t work yet. And we celebrated my littlest sisters birthday, which was very fun, and I also was very tired.

Last sunday, that’s about a few days ago, my laptop still didn’t work and we got back late from a very nice afternoon spend with the harmonie. We came home late and when we did, well, the finals of the soccer championship had almost started. Spain won with a convincing 4 to 0 so I definitely didn’t want to miss that…

I’m just going to start over. I’m sorry for not writing for so long. But the main reason is that I just couldn’t. Yes there were other things too, but my laptop is still very dead and that’s why I couldn’t write. Now, I’m sitting behind a mini desk typing on a mini laptop. It’s my littlest sister’s. But I don’t think that is fair. See, all three of us bought a laptop at the same time. We all bought a different one. So far, I’m the only one that had a lot of trouble with it. It has failed me like our times in two years. I don’t think that is normal. Certainly because I’m the only one using it for the good. I use it for school work, they just watch little video’s on it. That’s what I don’t understand and I just think that is very, very unfair.

But that’s not the only thing that is very unfair. See, I have been playing the clarinet for almost 10 years right now. I obviously got my A and B diploma. Now my littlest sister got her A diploma a few weeks ago. I was feeling not so good that day but surely when you think things can’t get worse they can. I woke up seeing a day full of studying in front of me when my mum came in the room with this big box. Playmobil, for my little sister, because she passes her music exam! Sure I was happy that she passed. You know what I got when I passed all those years ago, with high grades I can tell you, I got absolutely nothing! And see gets this playmobil supporters bus!? Now you judge about that.

I felt really depressed after that. It’s the same with school results. Every other parent would be very proud of their daughter if she passed a year cum laude, right? Well, my parents just think that’s the most normal thing on earth, for me. They were very surprised indeed by the 6 for biology. You know what they said? That I could do better than that. I’m just not that good in biology, I was happy I got a 6! But when my sisters pass cum laude they are totally happy. When they get a 10 on a test they are in dreamland. Really, I don’t get that. I asked my mum why. She just said that they needed the encouragement. Yeah, so I don’t? What if I want someone to be happy for me? Am I some kind of person you don’t need to give attention? Don’t I need to be seen?

Now I must seem some really pathetic, annoying person, don’t I? Guess I just need to get it out there sometimes.

I shouldn’t be complaining about what I do not get. I have nothing to complain. I know I have it good. I know there are people out there with much less than I. I know children are dying everywhere, I do. And that’s not good, and we should help them, we should complain for them. But does that mean that I can’t complain once in a while. Aren’t I allowed to want to be treated equally as my sisters?

I used to say it a lot, you know. THAT’S SO UNFAIR! I used to scream when I had to do something, or they got something and I didn’t. You know what my dad said?

Life is unfair, Kyara, just deal with it!

I know life is unfair! You don’t have to tell me that anymore! I stopped saying that. I just doesn’t work.

Life should be unfair. I mean if life was fair what would the world look like? Without poverty, nobody’s rich. We survive on that. Everybody wants to be rich. Everybody wants to have things someone else has. I don’t know why and how but life just isn’t fair. Not here, not over there, not anywhere.

Maybe that’s why people believe in God or I don’t know what. Because God is good and fair. Because they believe that when they live a shitty life on earth they get it all back in heaven.

I also thing that violence finds it’s origins in the fact that life is very unfair. Just think of it. You see someone else having something really cool. You, of course, want that too, but you don’t have the money for it. A lot of people stop there but there are others who don’t stop. They think they deserve the same thing as every one else. And what do you do when you want something and you can’t buy it? You go and steal it.

Is that fair? No, of course not! But why is that not fair? Because we have this little thing called law. And you have to stick to it. The law says that you can’t steal, right, so you don’t. But the law also claims that everyone deserves the same rights. So why does he have something you can’t have? Isn’t that against the law?

No it isn’t. Everyone deserves the same, yes, I agree. But that doesn’t mean you can have the same stuff someone else has. That’s about rights and a roof over your head. Though not everybody has that roof. That’s where the unfair life starts. It’s all about how much money you have, and the amount of money is gathered by the type of work you do.

It’s like Darwin said all those years ago: survival of the fittest. It’s in our genes.

You think I’m crazy? Check this out: your dad has a company right? He probably had a good education and manged to get there by working really hard. You are next to take over the company. And so on and so on. Why am I not allowed to get that company? Why do you get that? Is that fair?

And then something else. People with a high education are often accepted more easily than people with less education. They get to do the fancy jobs and get a lot of money. Again: survival of the fittest.

Life is so unfair I can’t get more into it than this. I’m not even going to try to figure it all out. I’m not going to make some solution because I simply can’t. It’s human to compare yourself with someone else. People get jealous because they see that life is unfair and they can’t do anything about it. Even if you don’t want to be jealous. You can’t do anything about it but pretend you’re totally fine with it.

Just pretend like you don’t care, I’ve been getting away with that for a very long time, not that I like it, but what else can I do? Burst out in some tantrum when I don’t get something? Make a list of what is so unfair? I only would make myself more sad with that.

I just try to see every little sign of affection and be happy with it.

Now I also have some other things to tell. SCHOOL’S OVER!!!! Well, for now at least. Just a few weeks. So what do I do now? I work almost every day…

Also I had an audition last week. I was very excited about it. My dad and little sister went with me because it was all the way in Amsterdam. But when we got there, there was nobody to be seen. An empty house. An hour later, still nobody…We went home and I sent a very angry mail. I still don’t have any response to it and I don’t think I’m going to get it…

O, and also. It was father’s day a few weeks ago. Look what I made my dad!

Just click on it to read it. I’m sorry but it is Dutch. You can use google translate but I don’t really know if that does justice to it. It’s a poem by the way and when my dad read it he cried. I’m sorry, I can’t do anything about it now can I?

I think it’s time for my to stop my finger moving across this mini keyboard. It’s just been so long that I just can’t stop. I saw snow-white and the huntsman by the way. Such an amazing movie. You must go see it if you haven’t already.  And I found someone on Facebook from a few years ago on holiday in Spain. So funny. When I met the guy I didn’t even have Facebook yet. He lives in Germany and we called him fanta, now idea why!

Other things? Let’s think, not for now I guess…

I’ll see you in a few weeks then. I can’t really write the coming two weeks…no internet kind of thingy

Just remember that life is very unfair and you are allowed to be jealous but also be happy with what you have!

XxX

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